| About Me |
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Name: Crazy Bitch
Home: Portland, Oregon, United States
About Me: I've always enjoyed writing, so long as it's something I know about - like me. I'm a student. A mother. A sister. A homeowner. A perfectionist. I try to keep them as separate as possible, but sometimes they intertwine - which is NEVER a good thing. I love shoes. I love dancing, although I don't really know how. I love loud music, bonfires and the occasional glass of beer. I love my family. I love my life. And ever so slowly, I'm learning to love myself.
See my complete profile
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| And the World Turned Upside Down |
| Friday, November 20, 2009 |
"Breathe!" I told myself. "It's not YOUR interview."
I was headed across town. I would never work across town. This was just a search for references. But was it? Somehow my head told me otherwise.
"Why would strangers give me a good reference?" I asked no one but myself. I ignored the question.
"Shut up and breathe." I said to the steering wheel. "You're just getting information. This is how you network."
I thought about my first phone call to R. He was so easy to talk to. And in person, men were putty in my hands, so, not a big deal. I could handle this.
When I got to the building, my confidence rang true. And then I got the honor to wait, and wait, and wait. Little did I know, R would make a habit of making me wait.
R waltzed into the lobby, followed by a woman. My confidence jumped up and ran out the door, leaving me behind, defenseless.
"My project manager wanted to sit in - I hope you don't mind."
We shook hands. Introductions. I was ushered into a good-sized conference room and seated at the end of a very large table. Suddenly I felt so small.
I don't know who started talking first. When I'm nervous, I tend to babble on and on. But apparently, so does R, nervous or not. I kept my focus on the PM the whole time, although something drew me to R. Was it the loud red shirt? The constant interruptions from his ringing phone? Was it the complete opposite that I had pictured this man to be when we were speaking on the phone? Ugh. Focus, idiot.
Near the end of the interview, the PM told me about a job opening. I never saw it coming. And then a job offer, albeit informal, but on the table just the same. But there I was, inexperienced in this sort of thing, and filed it away under the "yeah, right" column in my brain. Things like no experience and no work history surfaced.
"I like to train people properly. Sorta like brain-washing." R was saying.
Huh. They felt the chemistry that I was trying to ignore. Why was I ignorging it? I know words popped into my head: good looking, charisma. I tried to focus on the PM again. Mmm-hmm, she looks like Elise Keaton for sure... yet the words coming out of my mouth were actually intelligent. Go figure.
I went home not knowing what had happened. But I did have a new question. Could I work across town? |
posted by Crazy Bitch @ 9:21 AM   |
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| It's My Life |
| Sunday, September 20, 2009 |
I knew. I knew early on. But I ignored it. Sitting in the sun, day after day in my quaint suburban home. Writing all my thoughts down (edited of course). This is what I wanted.
The American Dream.
Why then, the soul searching?
Years passed. What was missing? I analyzed. Over and over gain. Poured over the past. Over the present. Over the future. Why was none of this in my dreams?
I found other ways to focus that energy. Decorating. Sex. Decorating. Trying to make my surroundings fit me. And when I finished, I began looking for Nikki again. Where was she? My new tidy little life, after running from the old, became my shelter. My prison. My torture.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was done ignoring it.
It's My Life.
The song played in the car on my way home from shopping. The September sun was glaringly bright. This time I listened to the song and this time my heart responded.
It's My Life.
I was going back to school.
It's My Life.
Time to take control.
I knew. Right then. This was the beginning of the end.
I enrolled the next week.
School Sucked. I hated it. I still hate it. My kids hated it. My husband hated it - because he knew - this was the beginning of the end. But I kept going - breaks here and there for mild life crises. This was my path, albeit an unknown road, but I was certain it led elsewhere.
At some point I came to a stop. This was taking too long. It was time to move forward. I don't think it was a conscious thought, but I let it happen. Time for me to go back to work.
"I know how this works," S said to me.
"And how's that?" I asked.
"Oh, you know... You go to school, get a job, meet someone new, and our marriage is over."
"That's not going to happen!" I reassured him. But inside, I wasn't so sure of myself.
I wasn't that serious about finding a job, was I? |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 6:00 PM |
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| Self-Love and Phone Sex: Is it ever enough? |
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My boyfriend is out of town for a week. I'm trying to figure out how to meet my needs while he's gone. Reality: it's not going to happen. Now, I'm all about phone sex and masturbation. But when you have the real thing - the most awesome real thing - how can you substitute anything else?
Since I'm not working anymore, the testosterone levels have subsided quite a bit. I'm no longer a walking hormone - although if my boyfriend is within reach, I'm ready to go. I've never craved anyone like this. I never needed to touch someone constantly. So when he heads out of town, I go through absolute withdrawal.
Ugh.
Phone sex. Okay, temporary fix. I get it. But after all the sexy talk and all the O's, all I really want is that body slamming against me. My O's? Oh, I can have several. But that's just my foreplay. Then I really get down to business. I expect to be thrown around, spanked, bitten, and left feeling sore, exhausted, and completely inside out. How could anyone possibly get that from phone sex? Or self-love for that matter?
So here I am, waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Is it Thursday yet? |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 5:58 PM |
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| Here I Am |
| Thursday, September 17, 2009 |
So here I am. Nikki. Or CB, as some call me.
So much has changed in the last year. I have started a new life. I have new friends. I have new family. I am NOTHING like that suburban housewife I pretended to be for so long. S. is gone. He has a new wife. A new family. His daughters chose to stay in my past, as I moved forward. Honestly, it's all very sad. However, a book must end, before you start writing the next. I'd say chapter, but I began an entirely different story.
This is the beginning of the rest of my life.
Life. Love. Sex...
with Crazy Bitch. |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 3:55 PM |
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| Addiction |
| Sunday, July 20, 2008 |
Hello.
My name is Nikki and I am a vibraholic.
I have been vibe free for 0 days.
I had all week to attempt freedom in Hawaii, to no avail. My first attempt on Monday morning left me with only one orgasm. I couldn't take it and grabbed Lelo for two more. On Tuesday, I attempted vibe-free again, only to lose patience. That time I went straight for Digger and knocked out three in a row. (No time to waste, as I had some waves to catch.)
Wednesday, Digger.
Thursday, Digger.
Friday, wanna guess?
Yep, Digger - but if Mr. Hitachi Magic Wand was available, I would have jumped on him instead.
So now it's Saturday. It's getting late. I don't have patience for fingers. Or Lelo. Or Digger. I'm back home and Mr. H is coming for a visit.
And so is Nikki.
To Hell with vibe-free...I wanna feel my teeth rattle tonight. |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 12:38 AM |
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| Anticipation |
| Saturday, July 12, 2008 |
What gets a girl hot (or at least, this girl)?
Anticipation.
When I'm close to getting off, I most certainly have some little scenario playing out in my head. It almost always involves some sort of anticipation...
panties sliding down, not quite revealing...
fingers sliding down, not quite touching...
lips exhaling hot breath, not quite kissing...
Anticipation
of vibration...
of penetration...
of climax-ation <-- Nikki's new word.
Mmmm... That split second just before it goes in, comes out, gets off. Whatever...
You know what I mean.
Sometimes it will send me over the edge. Again. And again. And again.
And again and again.
I guess that kinda goes against my need for instant gratification.
But we'll save that subject for another time. |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 6:20 PM |
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| Possession |
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I'm possessed. Or maybe obsessed...
Did I mention how I want to fuck all the time? It's always in the least convenient of places. UGH! I have even headed to the restroom at work and tried to get off there, to no avail. If only my fingers vibrated! Which makes me think I've become dependent on vibrators to get off.
Huh.
Well, we are leaving for Hawaii in the morning. Maybe I'll practice vibe-free all week. On the beach.
Fuck yeah. |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 5:58 PM |
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