| About Me |
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Name: Crazy Bitch
Home: Portland, Oregon, United States
About Me: I've always enjoyed writing, so long as it's something I know about - like me. I'm a student. A mother. A sister. A homeowner. A perfectionist. I try to keep them as separate as possible, but sometimes they intertwine - which is NEVER a good thing. I love shoes. I love dancing, although I don't really know how. I love loud music, bonfires and the occasional glass of beer. I love my family. I love my life. And ever so slowly, I'm learning to love myself.
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| Human Sexuality and Friendship |
| Friday, October 21, 2005 |
When it comes to meeting new people, I'm usually pretty shy. Yesterday, something came over me, (or perhaps, was lifted) and I took a first step to create a friendship. In fact, before class, I spotted my victim, walked right over, sat down, and started talking.
We talked through the first half of class and right through the break. It turns out that she is in exactly the same place in her life as I am. Almost the same age, same situation, same issues. I couldn't believe that I finally found someone who understands my life. It was so exciting!
So, when the professor in my Human Sexuality class started asking questions regarding female preferences....
Prof: Ladies, help me out here... is it okay to be on top?
[silence]
Nikki: Yes!
[giggles around the room]
Prof: Ladies, while on top - is it okay to stimulate yourselves?
[silence] (Let me point out that the average age in this class is 21. I'm assuming that most of these girls haven't accepted that anything outside of missionary is normal. )
Nikki: Yes!
[more giggles and a funny look from my new friend]
Prof: Guys, this one is for you. Is it okay for a girl to be on top and stimulating herself?
[cheers, whistles and even some thumbs up]
Prof: Ladies, is it okay to have sex from behind?
[another silence]
Nikki: Yes!
That comment generated a not so pleasant expression from my new friend as she leaned far away from me.
Prof: One last question before you go for the day. Ladies, do you prefer sex from behind or to be on top?
Nikki: It all feels good!
[laughter from the entire room]
We headed out the door. Since I was going the same direction as my new friend, I thought we'd chat on the way out and I'd get a chance to invite her to coffee. Instead, she turned around, said, "Have a nice weekend!" and changed directions. |
posted by Crazy Bitch @ 3:24 PM   |
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| Coffee, Conversation, and... Children |
| Wednesday, October 19, 2005 |
Have you ever been somewhere that you just wanted to stand up and scream, "Shut the Fuck Up!"? I went to my coffee shop today. My coffee shop that's completely dead during the week. My coffee shop that's quiet enough to study in.
But TODAY, when I absolutely need to study - everyone is talking! A group of men gabbing - rather loudly, kept my concentration at bay. I couldn't figure out if they were contractors or farmers on their day off. Either way, just when they finally all get up to leave, and I give a mental shout of "THANK GOD" one of them said, "hey, check this out..." and proceeds to get out his laptop. Then they all stood around the laptop ohhh-ing and ahhh-ing for another 10 minutes. How lovely.
And while I'm in bitch mode...
I think there should be a sign on coffee shop windows that reads:
CHECK YOUR CHILDREN AT THE CAR DOOR
Children and coffee shops do not mix. Whoever invented the quaint café did not include miniature cups, tables or chairs in their design. Hence, no invitation for those under 18 - oh, I mean 16.
I guess that's what happens when the coffee house industry creates a frappaccino with no coffee, i.e. milkshake.
Hmm, maybe that café down the road has one of those signs... |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 2:52 PM |
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| Attention Boys! |
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I went to a high school concert last night. While there I saw some very, umm... interesting characters. One young man of which, wears blue eyeliner. But not just under his eyes. He wears it down his cheeks too - as if crying blue eyeliner.
This IS NOT OKAY!
Cosmetics were made for the entertainment business.
Cosmetics were made for women.
Cosmetics were NOT made for teenage boys that are barely old enough for wet dreams, let alone fashion statements.
I have one question. WHY???
It's not pretty. It's not cool. It's not sexy. It does not turn girls on. The only thing it does get these boys, is a troubled young lady trying to piss off her parents. She probably doesn't even remember his last name.
So boys, remember this...
Makeup is only okay if:
a) You are going onstage.
b) You are going on TV.
c) You are trying to look like a woman.
By the way - thanks, Michael Jackson, for not only molesting our boys, but also teaching them bad makeup tips. Oh - and Fuck You for trashing the fantasies of all the young girls that worshipped you in the 80's. May you burn in Hell.
There. I can go on with my life now. |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 11:24 AM |
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| Attention Girls! |
| Tuesday, October 18, 2005 |
I sat down to lunch at school today, and right there at eye level is a young girl's crack. Why is this okay? Who said butt cleavage is sexy? I mean in everyday circumstances, that is. At school. At the grocery store. At home around your family. Why is this okay?
While we're on the subject of inappropriateness - what's up with Muffin Tops? You know what I'm talking about - girls that wear low-rise or too tight jeans that create a shelf for their rolls. Oh, and then wear a little t-shirt that doesn't cover everything up. It's NOT PRETTY!
I'm not truly conservative. I'm okay with "flaunt it if you got it." But PLEASE girls - flaunt it tastefully! |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 2:58 PM |
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| Pickle's Cafe |
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I found this perfect little coffee shop out here in the suburbs. The atmosphere is fabulous, the coffee is cheap. I thought - this is the place to meet people more like me. So, Monday afternoon I parked myself on the couch and watched. Nobody of interest came in. In fact, it was pretty dead.
Wednesday afternoon, I tried again. Nada.
Friday morning - the barísta said Friday was the busy day - I could barely find a seat. The people? 50 something women having their weekly gossip. Men grabbing coffee before they head to their construction jobs. The local sheriff. Women pushing baby strollers. Unapproachable couples. By 11 am the place was dead. Again. Just like before.
"Oh, but the weekends are busy too", said the barísta.
Saturday afternoon I dragged Husband to my coffee shop.
Me - isn't this fabulous?
Him - looks like a coffee shop to me.
And there sat a woman with her books and her laptop. Someone more like me. But this time I was the unapproachable couple. And she left the coffee shop, without saying hello.
I may never meet that someone more like me.
Because Saturdays aren't my own. |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 9:00 AM |
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| How to be a Lesbian Dot Com |
| Monday, October 17, 2005 |
Everyone thinks I'm a lesbian.
It started with my clothes. I bought chinos. I outgrew the booty pants (not really) and decided to buy some that were comfortable. I bought sensible shoes and put away the strappy sandals and stiletto boots that pinch my feet. I bought some exotic perfume and put away all of those that smell like flowers or candy. I was tired of being "girly" all the time and decided to deglamorize.
That was my first step to being a lesbian.
Then - I discovered a sensual song...it oozes sex and excites me. When I announced that I HAD to get the whole cd - it was brought to my attention - the artist is a lesbian.
Didn't you know? Only lesbians listen to lesbian music.
Nevermind the shimmery lipgloss. Nevermind the cute tops that show off my terrific curves. Nevermind the flirtatious curls brushing my shoulders. Nevermind that I've been happily married to a man for seven years.
I am hereby, a lesbian.
Wait - there's more. In my Human Sexuality class we were discussing homosexuality. During the lecture, my professor proceeded to say, "Nikki here can back me up when I say that Middle America is full of towns that are small minded and set in their ways and many homosexuals feel misunderstood and head for the larger cities."
There it is. I was misunderstood, packed my shit, and headed for a big city. I am therefore, a lesbian.
And it only took three weeks.
Too bad I don't prefer pussy. |
| posted by Crazy Bitch @ 6:47 PM |
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